A Goron Stole My Gumball
By Anime JamesMore Info / Reviews
Chapter 1: The Predicament
Close your eyes for a moment and imagine a legendary kingdom, name of Hyrule. It’s dawn now, and the nocturnal predators of the land are retreating to cool niches, forested areas, and even, in some cases, to the bottoms of lakes. Now imagine a hundred cuccos waking up and crowing, heralding the coming of a new day. The inhabitants of Hyrule are waking up and yawning, staring around at the world with bleary eyes.
Now try to picture a great, menacing mountain with deadly spires and beautiful rock formations. The ground is swarming with great, four-legged monsters, and shiny, black flowers with enormous bulbs are sending clouds of dust into the air when they are stepped upon.
Of course, there must be people on this Mountain of Death of some kind to do the stepping on the flowers. And, of course, the one that had stepped upon it stepped upon the flower that was stepped upon. Before we skip to what this creature is, let me give you a basic description: a wide, heavy frame with a round head, wreathed in a thick mane of off-white hair. His skin is tough, orange-red and shiny, as if it had been subject to many hours of sunshine, and lastly, and most noticeably, a large stomach hanging down to the creature’s knees.
This, my friends, is a goron. The goron that did the stepping on the flower that was mentioned previously, the flower that explodes when it has been stepped upon because it was made that way, the flower that you are not likely to find in your neighbor’s garden because, I am sorry to say, such a flower does not exist.
But before I tire you with such trifling matters as the existence of flowers that are known to explode because an ignoramus did not look where he was walking, I would like to say that this goron is not the only one of his race, and he does not live in isolation or receive flyers from traveling salesmen; no, he lives in Goron City at the center of Death Mountain, where our story (partially) takes place. If, at this point, you are experiencing dizziness, drowsiness or like you are about to urinate, please visit your local doctor and seek help; remember to take home a lollipop.
The hero of our story, or at least one of the heroes of our story, the one that is a goron that stepped upon the non-existent exploding flower that was previously mentioned and brought up several times for a reason beyond the comprehension of mortal men, was walking slowly and grimly along a mountain path, head hanging and feet dragging. To save you from the torment of unrelenting curiosity, I will tell you this goron’s name, which is Darunos, who is the person that stepped upon an explode-able flower and conveniently took no notice and kept walking to save you, the reader, from unnecessary boredom that comes from the unnecessary narrative of a goron cursing at a dead plant. As you have probably deduced from my succinct summary of Darunos’s depressing style of walk, this goron was worried, distraught, or mentally challenged – or a little bit of each. With a sigh Darunos threw himself down upon the ground and picked up a nearby stone, transferred it to his mouth, grimaced, and swallowed the whole thing whole.
Now, you immediately know something’s wrong in a story when a main character starts eating rocks; well, this is no exception, but something is not wrong because Darunos ate a stone; something, In fact, something just happened to be wrong at the same time that Darunos decided to eat what everyone of his race eats, which, as you might of guessed, was stone. The fact was that the goron race were such gourmets that ‘normal’ rocks tasted awful to them, but their favorite rocks that they used to make biscuits, sirloins and more were currently in a state of unreachable-ness, and it’s always a terrible bother when an entire people have nothing to eat but sub-standard edibles. I mean, what would you do if your mom told you there was nothing left on the planet to eat but refried beans? I know - for a fact - that dear uncle Montgomery would, for one, be put on suicide watch.
Darunos hastily wiped his tears that he’d been crying while my speech wandered so freely as to distract you from such an awkward moment in our story as the whistled tune of a fellow goron met his ears. It was like birdsong to him, sung by a bird that had both tried to sing and swallow an overlarge piece of mouse at the same time, which is actually more of a faint gurgle than a song, which really is quite preferable. Darunos screwed up his eyes and covered his ears, trying to block out the tuneless screeching. Finally, when that didn’t work, he got up, walked up to the intruder, and began to complain.
“Darmus, what’s with this racket?”
“I don’t know,” Darmus said with sincerity, scratching chin and looking up into the heavens, trying to remember. “I think it has something to do with tennis, though. But I could be wrong,” he added modestly, nodding towards Darunos, smiling stupidly. Darunos just sighed and looked hopelessly at Darmus. Gorons were generally a race plagued by stupidity, which was one of the reasons that Darunos wished he were a Hylian, despite the fact that he was rather handsome and intelligent for a goron; Darmus, however, was an idiot by everyone’s standards. One look at his smile will easily give you the feeling suggesting that this creature has a very low IQ.
“Darmus,” Darunos said slowly, “Have you heard of anything strange going on lately? I mean,” he said with a fake little laugh, seeing the look of utter confusion on Darmus’s face, “did anyone die, Darmus? Anyone?”
“Actually,” Darmus said, looking around to make sure no one was listening, “My great uncle Poony died last year. And my pet rat, too. See?” he added, holding up what appeared to be a rag doll.
“Forget the death thing,” Darunos said quickly, as Darmus began to check Ratty for a pulse, “just tell me if anything big is happening at the city.”
It was lucky Darmus was so dumb, sometimes; the elders took no notice of him attending their most secret meetings, and if Darunos was right about the secret, secret thing that he secretly suspected, then they had probably discussed it earnestly. And Darmus had probably heard.
“You know,” Darmus said slowly, causing Darunos to feel a surge of excitement. This was it, he knew it, Darmus would remember!
“I think that Maddie finally broke the record at the rock-eating contest yesterday. Odd time to compete, with all these icky stones everywhere…”
Yes…they had touched down upon the food shortage.
“Which reminds me…the elders want everyone in the council chamber by noontime. What time is it, anyway?”
Darunos suddenly went white as parchment, which usually isn’t all that white unless you bleach it, and as we don’t want our main character’s face bleached, let’s just not and say we did. Savvy?
“Darmus, we have to get back to Goron City. Now.”
---
“I would like to make an announcement,” Maddie said to the many gorons occupying the council chamber. Darunos and Darmus had just arrived; panting, the two of them sat down beside the many others, rubbing their sides.
“As you know, the goron race is currently suffering from lack of food. Therefore, since it’s unlikely that any of us should survive these dark times anyway, I will be awarding two lucky fellows a trip to the Bahamas for the rest of their lives. This,” he said, raising his voice over the excited murmur that had filled the chamber at his words, which you, the reader, have probably taken skeptically, “is so that at least you lucky two shall survive, should the rest of our people fall. I must ask you all to submit your names on one of these pieces of parchment and drop it into this convenient top hat, and wait to see who is chosen.”
“Where did you get the paper?” someone shouted from the back of the crowd.
“God in heaven knows,” Maddie responded, bowing his head and sweeping a top hat off it. “Now, without further ado, please submit your names to the hat.”
“I’ll my name!”
“Me too! I’ll submit!”
“I’ll submit twelve!”
“I’ll submit a coconut!”
The gorons were all rushing forward to drop their names into the hat; Maddie was beaming around at them all, unaffected by the sour look Darunos gave him as he dropped his piece of paper into the hat; behind him, Darmus was too busy writing down his age and s*x to notice. In fact, most everyone was too excited at the prospect of a trip to the Bahamas to notice that Maddie had left the room – or that Darunos had snuck out after him.
---
“That wasn’t funny, Maddie.”
Darunos closed the door of Maddie’s private chamber where he kept his most private possessions. There were a few marbles on the shelves next to piles of rags, sticks, and for some strange reason, peppermint candies. Maddie was chuckling, shaking the top hat full of paper. “It may not have been funny for you, Darunos,” Maddie said, winking, “but for me it was funny as –”
“That’s not the point!” Darunos roared, tearing his eyes from a picture of a dancing Gerudo that was plastered to the wall. “Two lucky people being sent to the Bahamas during a food shortage? What are you up to?”
“Me, I like practical jokes. Two lucky gorons will be selected from this hat to be sent to Hyrule Market to steal food and money to keep our civilization – our way of life! – alive. Surely that’s a noble cause?” Maddie asked, popping one of the peppermint candies into his mouth, letting his eyes wander onto the Gerudo picture, which I’m sure that you, the reader, have been conjuring mental images of since its first innocent mention.
“It seems like a noble cause, Maddie, but it’s not. Stealing’s not the answer – I mean, we’re gorons! You can’t tell me that any one of us is built for stealth or crap – just look at us!”
And Maddie did look, though no matter how hard he stared at Darunos’s overlarge belly, realization didn’t quite click in his rather small mind. For the next few days, Darunos and Maddie had a few good arguments, and although Darunos tried to talk him out of it, he could not stop the goron chief from calling a second council, or from taking out his top hat, or from drawing two pieces of paper from the inside and reading off two names:
“The two lucky gorons are: Darunos, and Darmus!”
Now try to picture a great, menacing mountain with deadly spires and beautiful rock formations. The ground is swarming with great, four-legged monsters, and shiny, black flowers with enormous bulbs are sending clouds of dust into the air when they are stepped upon.
Of course, there must be people on this Mountain of Death of some kind to do the stepping on the flowers. And, of course, the one that had stepped upon it stepped upon the flower that was stepped upon. Before we skip to what this creature is, let me give you a basic description: a wide, heavy frame with a round head, wreathed in a thick mane of off-white hair. His skin is tough, orange-red and shiny, as if it had been subject to many hours of sunshine, and lastly, and most noticeably, a large stomach hanging down to the creature’s knees.
This, my friends, is a goron. The goron that did the stepping on the flower that was mentioned previously, the flower that explodes when it has been stepped upon because it was made that way, the flower that you are not likely to find in your neighbor’s garden because, I am sorry to say, such a flower does not exist.
But before I tire you with such trifling matters as the existence of flowers that are known to explode because an ignoramus did not look where he was walking, I would like to say that this goron is not the only one of his race, and he does not live in isolation or receive flyers from traveling salesmen; no, he lives in Goron City at the center of Death Mountain, where our story (partially) takes place. If, at this point, you are experiencing dizziness, drowsiness or like you are about to urinate, please visit your local doctor and seek help; remember to take home a lollipop.
The hero of our story, or at least one of the heroes of our story, the one that is a goron that stepped upon the non-existent exploding flower that was previously mentioned and brought up several times for a reason beyond the comprehension of mortal men, was walking slowly and grimly along a mountain path, head hanging and feet dragging. To save you from the torment of unrelenting curiosity, I will tell you this goron’s name, which is Darunos, who is the person that stepped upon an explode-able flower and conveniently took no notice and kept walking to save you, the reader, from unnecessary boredom that comes from the unnecessary narrative of a goron cursing at a dead plant. As you have probably deduced from my succinct summary of Darunos’s depressing style of walk, this goron was worried, distraught, or mentally challenged – or a little bit of each. With a sigh Darunos threw himself down upon the ground and picked up a nearby stone, transferred it to his mouth, grimaced, and swallowed the whole thing whole.
Now, you immediately know something’s wrong in a story when a main character starts eating rocks; well, this is no exception, but something is not wrong because Darunos ate a stone; something, In fact, something just happened to be wrong at the same time that Darunos decided to eat what everyone of his race eats, which, as you might of guessed, was stone. The fact was that the goron race were such gourmets that ‘normal’ rocks tasted awful to them, but their favorite rocks that they used to make biscuits, sirloins and more were currently in a state of unreachable-ness, and it’s always a terrible bother when an entire people have nothing to eat but sub-standard edibles. I mean, what would you do if your mom told you there was nothing left on the planet to eat but refried beans? I know - for a fact - that dear uncle Montgomery would, for one, be put on suicide watch.
Darunos hastily wiped his tears that he’d been crying while my speech wandered so freely as to distract you from such an awkward moment in our story as the whistled tune of a fellow goron met his ears. It was like birdsong to him, sung by a bird that had both tried to sing and swallow an overlarge piece of mouse at the same time, which is actually more of a faint gurgle than a song, which really is quite preferable. Darunos screwed up his eyes and covered his ears, trying to block out the tuneless screeching. Finally, when that didn’t work, he got up, walked up to the intruder, and began to complain.
“Darmus, what’s with this racket?”
“I don’t know,” Darmus said with sincerity, scratching chin and looking up into the heavens, trying to remember. “I think it has something to do with tennis, though. But I could be wrong,” he added modestly, nodding towards Darunos, smiling stupidly. Darunos just sighed and looked hopelessly at Darmus. Gorons were generally a race plagued by stupidity, which was one of the reasons that Darunos wished he were a Hylian, despite the fact that he was rather handsome and intelligent for a goron; Darmus, however, was an idiot by everyone’s standards. One look at his smile will easily give you the feeling suggesting that this creature has a very low IQ.
“Darmus,” Darunos said slowly, “Have you heard of anything strange going on lately? I mean,” he said with a fake little laugh, seeing the look of utter confusion on Darmus’s face, “did anyone die, Darmus? Anyone?”
“Actually,” Darmus said, looking around to make sure no one was listening, “My great uncle Poony died last year. And my pet rat, too. See?” he added, holding up what appeared to be a rag doll.
“Forget the death thing,” Darunos said quickly, as Darmus began to check Ratty for a pulse, “just tell me if anything big is happening at the city.”
It was lucky Darmus was so dumb, sometimes; the elders took no notice of him attending their most secret meetings, and if Darunos was right about the secret, secret thing that he secretly suspected, then they had probably discussed it earnestly. And Darmus had probably heard.
“You know,” Darmus said slowly, causing Darunos to feel a surge of excitement. This was it, he knew it, Darmus would remember!
“I think that Maddie finally broke the record at the rock-eating contest yesterday. Odd time to compete, with all these icky stones everywhere…”
Yes…they had touched down upon the food shortage.
“Which reminds me…the elders want everyone in the council chamber by noontime. What time is it, anyway?”
Darunos suddenly went white as parchment, which usually isn’t all that white unless you bleach it, and as we don’t want our main character’s face bleached, let’s just not and say we did. Savvy?
“Darmus, we have to get back to Goron City. Now.”
---
“I would like to make an announcement,” Maddie said to the many gorons occupying the council chamber. Darunos and Darmus had just arrived; panting, the two of them sat down beside the many others, rubbing their sides.
“As you know, the goron race is currently suffering from lack of food. Therefore, since it’s unlikely that any of us should survive these dark times anyway, I will be awarding two lucky fellows a trip to the Bahamas for the rest of their lives. This,” he said, raising his voice over the excited murmur that had filled the chamber at his words, which you, the reader, have probably taken skeptically, “is so that at least you lucky two shall survive, should the rest of our people fall. I must ask you all to submit your names on one of these pieces of parchment and drop it into this convenient top hat, and wait to see who is chosen.”
“Where did you get the paper?” someone shouted from the back of the crowd.
“God in heaven knows,” Maddie responded, bowing his head and sweeping a top hat off it. “Now, without further ado, please submit your names to the hat.”
“I’ll my name!”
“Me too! I’ll submit!”
“I’ll submit twelve!”
“I’ll submit a coconut!”
The gorons were all rushing forward to drop their names into the hat; Maddie was beaming around at them all, unaffected by the sour look Darunos gave him as he dropped his piece of paper into the hat; behind him, Darmus was too busy writing down his age and s*x to notice. In fact, most everyone was too excited at the prospect of a trip to the Bahamas to notice that Maddie had left the room – or that Darunos had snuck out after him.
---
“That wasn’t funny, Maddie.”
Darunos closed the door of Maddie’s private chamber where he kept his most private possessions. There were a few marbles on the shelves next to piles of rags, sticks, and for some strange reason, peppermint candies. Maddie was chuckling, shaking the top hat full of paper. “It may not have been funny for you, Darunos,” Maddie said, winking, “but for me it was funny as –”
“That’s not the point!” Darunos roared, tearing his eyes from a picture of a dancing Gerudo that was plastered to the wall. “Two lucky people being sent to the Bahamas during a food shortage? What are you up to?”
“Me, I like practical jokes. Two lucky gorons will be selected from this hat to be sent to Hyrule Market to steal food and money to keep our civilization – our way of life! – alive. Surely that’s a noble cause?” Maddie asked, popping one of the peppermint candies into his mouth, letting his eyes wander onto the Gerudo picture, which I’m sure that you, the reader, have been conjuring mental images of since its first innocent mention.
“It seems like a noble cause, Maddie, but it’s not. Stealing’s not the answer – I mean, we’re gorons! You can’t tell me that any one of us is built for stealth or crap – just look at us!”
And Maddie did look, though no matter how hard he stared at Darunos’s overlarge belly, realization didn’t quite click in his rather small mind. For the next few days, Darunos and Maddie had a few good arguments, and although Darunos tried to talk him out of it, he could not stop the goron chief from calling a second council, or from taking out his top hat, or from drawing two pieces of paper from the inside and reading off two names:
“The two lucky gorons are: Darunos, and Darmus!”
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
- Chapter 1: The Predicament
- Chapter 2: The Quest Begins
- Chapter 3: A Rupee For Your Thoughts
- Chapter 4: The Gerudo
- Chapter 5: The First Attempt
- Chapter 6: Unorthodox
- Chapter 7: All For Nothing
- Chapter 8: The Climax
- Chapter 9: The Aftermath
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