A Very Zelda Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land,
An ill wind was blowing, high o’er the sand.

It blew through the desert, a wind frosty and cold.
It blew past a tower, from the ages of old.

In the dark, ancient tower, there sat a Dark Lord,
Who mumbled and grumbled, “Curse the Master Sword!”

“Curse Link! Curse Zelda! Curse all of the Sages!
Curse the Oracle of Seasons and the Oracle of Ages!”

And all through the night, he continued to curse.
And as the night darkened, the curses got worse.

But then, before Ganondorf cursed himself thin,
There appeared on his face, the tiniest grin.

It stretched down from his nose, which was somewhat immense,
It revealed white teeth, lined up like a fence.

“By Din I have got it!” he said with a snigger.
And all of the while his smile got bigger.

“For surely,” thought he, “’Tis Christmas tomorrow!”
“What better a chance for me to bring sorrow?”

“For tomorrow, all of the land will be quick,
To search for the presents left by St Nick!”

“But what if the presents were never delivered?”
He chuckled again, and joyously quivered.

“Whilst the people of Hyrule are all in bed,
What if the presents were taken instead?”

“For maybe, if I put on a fake beard,
I would look like this Santa!” He evilly sneered.

So he put on a red costume, though ‘twas slightly worn,
And to each pet Wolfos he attached a large horn.

He slipped on a fake beard, and tried to look merry,
And fixed on a fake nose, as red as a cherry.

And finally, once he had finished this labour,
He got in a sleigh he stole from a neighbour.

“Go Killer! Go Ripper! Go Anger and Death!
Go Slaughter! Go Murder! Go Slayer and Geoff!”

And so into the darkness the false sleigh sped,
Leaving a trail of terror and dread.

House after house he visited that night.
Stealing the presents in a manner most trite.

But through the black night, and through the white frost.
Ganondorf soon realized he was lost.

He stepped from his sledge, and attempted to find,
A way out of the blizzard that was leaving him blind.

He stomped through the slush, carrying his loot,
When all of a sudden he tripped over a root.

He pulled himself up from the snow, and then saw,
Something that made his eyes widen with awe.

For there, just in front of where Ganondorf stood,
Was the mightiest tree to ever grow in a wood.

Tall as a castle, stronger than steel.
The Deku tree stood, a flora surreal.

Lights lined its branches, an impressive array.
Colours exploded in patterns most gay.

But ‘twas not the lights that attracted the thief,
But rather the presents, that lay underneath.

‘Twas a mountain of boxes, all covered in paper,
And up to a point the mountain did taper.

And so Ganondorf to the summit did climb,
And there found the presents for the Hero of Time.

“A Hookshot! A Hammer! Oh, what luck!
With all of these weapons I shall soon run amuck!”

With incredible strength, he lifted the mound.
When all of a sudden, he heard a strange sound.

First ‘twas a ZING, and then ‘twas a SHAWN.
The sound of the Master Sword, carefully drawn.

For Link it was, the warrior of good.
Clad simply in pyjamas, and dressing-gown hood.

He hefted his sword, glowing bright as the day.
He faced Ganondorf, and he said, “Go away.”

And so the thief ran, through the wind and the sleet,
Never looking back, never facing defeat.

“Oh.” Said Link, feeling somewhat bemused,
Since Ganondorf’s flight had left him confused.

Then suddenly, out of the moonlit sky,
There appeared a strange being, which said, “It is I!”

“I’m the Spirit of Christmas! And to be perfectly frank,
You are the one who the people must thank!”

“Christmas is saved! Hear the bells jingle!”
Then suddenly Link realised it was Tingle.

“We can go for a ride on my fine Christmas sled!”
“Sod that.” Said Link. “I’m going to bed.”